The letter -Fiction

[lambertoise]

TITLE: The letter
AUTHOR: Lambertoise
CONTEXT: This story came to me when I heard about LuLu’s job offer in California and was written before Sensitive Jackals and All about the rage were presented.
Thanks to Sarah for her very generous help.

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July, 30th 2003 - 10 pm. The light is still on in one office at Fallin & Fallin. Nick is sitting at his desk, not even knowing what a beautiful night it is. Around him, there are ten or so sheets of paper that he just threw away. Nick sighed as he looked outside. How could he make it right? He tried one more time.


Dear LuLu

Once again, I’ve fucked up. It seems to me that, besides winning a case, that’s what I do best, especially regarding my personal life.

You know I’m not good at words, to say the least. You even said I had intimacy issues. Well, I’m not sure I’d call it this way, but it is true I’ve a lot of difficulties dealing with ordinary life. You saw that.

You’ve been gone two months. Once more, I hate myself because I know I’m one of the reasons you flew away from Pittsburgh. Why should you have stayed? You asked me many times and in many ways to indicate you there was more than sex between the two of us. The only answers I gave you were silences or scornful remarks.

Yet, I could have, I should have said something. Because you know how I feel about you, even if I can hardly bring myself to say it. But today, when I went to the hospital to see a client, I remembered last winter, how empty I felt when I thought I was going to lose you. I thought that a part of me would die too.

So now, what I should have admitted earlier, what I should have told you when you were waiting for me to commit, what I should’ve said before you left, I write it down: I love you. Please, come back.

Nick



Quickly, Nick put the letter in the envelope, before he lost his nerve. Tomorrow, he would ask Barbara for LuLu’s address. He turned off the light and walked home, satisfied that he had finished the letter.

The morning after, leaving LSP’s building with the letter now properly addressed, Nick hesitated. He has said a lot. Too much? Would that put him at LuLu’s mercy, or worse, would she laugh at his pitiful attempts to tell her the truth about his feelings? He stopped a few seconds beside the first mailbox he saw, and feeling like he was jumping in an empty space, he posted it and walked to his next meeting.


The summer had ended and November hit like a storm. Icy rain was giving Pittsburgh a grey color that felt like a millstone. Everybody looked anxious to be somewhere else. News was bad: shops were closing and suburbs were dying.


However, the business at Fallin & Fallin’s was thriving. Companies were suing each other, administrators were suing for wrongful termination, hospitals were defending themselves against too many lawsuits. Yeah, the business was really good. Nick was working more than ever and the money was never a problem. Burton was talking about retirement in Florida where many successful businessmen he knew were having a great time. Father and son did not speak any more than necessary. Really, it was business as usual.

That morning, when Nick came in, he found himself in front of Caroline. "Mommy dearest", he thought.

-"Nick! How are you?"
-"Ok".
-"I came to see Burton."
-"I see."
-"Are you still volunteering at LSP?"
-"Yeah. But I’ll be done soon."
-"Good. Nick, may I see you after my meeting with your father?"
-"I also have a meeting, so I won’t be there. Sorry."
-"Then could I see you tonight at the Incline, let’s say, 8 pm?"
-"I’ll try to make it."

Nick quickly disappeared as Caroline was watching him.

[lambertoise]

At 8 o’clock Caroline was waiting for Nick, but not with much hope. But then, here he was, gorgeous as usual, in his knee length black overcoat. "If this man could talk as gracefully as he walks, he would be a dream, "she thought.

-"Hey! I’m glad you could make it. Sit down and take off your coat", she ordered.

Nick did as he was told and asked for a coffee. Caroline was sipping her martini observing him, and assessing how she could broach the subject. They both started together.

-"Have you heard…?"
-"How is LuLu?"
-"Not too good. Oh, the job is OK, but she is lonely. I think she misses Pittsburgh and her life here.
-"Oh."

Nick let the silence fall. He was looking at his cup of coffee as Caroline stared at him.

-"Nick, you know what I mean. She misses you. Why did you let her go? "
-"Hum. I tried. Did she tell you I wrote to her? "
-"No. Did she answer?"
-"No. So, I … decided that she must have found someone else. "
-"To do so, she would have to be looking a little, don’t you think so?"
-"I don’t know. Any way, if you talk to her, tell her I say Hi. And… that I meant everything I wrote."

Nick abruptly stood up and left the restaurant. Caroline finished her drink and went back to the house LuLu was renting to her until things settled definitely. Caroline thought about what she could have said to learn more about Nick’s feelings for LuLu. She had again the impression that she had failed her daughter.

December 2003. Christmas time. For those who hate Christmas, December is an awful month. The carols, the lights in the streets, the joy some people wear all over their face, all the signs of happiness feel like an insult for lonely people. Nick had no plans for the holidays, except a meal with his father and Aunt Liz. The Fallins were not very good with celebrations. Yet, earlier this year, Nick had hopes that it could be different.

A few days before Christmas, Nick was working late in his office at LSP. A year ago, it had been a happier moment. LuLu and him were becoming close friends after he had defended her in front of the disciplinary board following the shooting. This year, it had been almost seven months since he had last heard from her.

He suddenly heard Alvin, unseasonably cheerful.

-"Hey! How are you! What a nice surprise. Come on in. Have a coffee."
-"Thank you."

Nick stopped in his tracks, he’d recognize that voice anywhere. It was LuLu. "What is she doing here," he asked himself.

LuLu said : " Hey Alvin, I have something to ask you. Do you have a minute? "
-"Sure. Come in. "
-"Alvin. How things are going here? "
-"Ok. Same as usual. Too many clients, too little time. You know. What about you? "
-"Oh. Good. Everything is good. The weather is wonderful, for one and the money is much better than here, so yeah, it’s OK "she answered, her face telling a different story.
-"What can I do for you?"
-"I had that case. The girl who had a baby with her black boyfriend and the grandmother who first didn’t want anything to do with her? Do you remember that case? "
-"Yeah, I remember. What about her? "
-"She received a grant from the state to study in law school and she is coming to California. She needed a lawyer for a problem with her own parents and I was wondering if I could get her file."
-"Yes, sure...But you didn’t come back in Pittsburgh just to ask me that, did you?"
-"No. Actually, I’m here to settle the sale of my house. Brian and I are meeting with the real estate agent tomorrow."
-"OK. So I understand this moving away is definite. "
-"Well, there isn’t much for me here now", she explained, on a sad tone.
-"Too bad. I liked having you with me here, you know that. And people here, they miss you. You and Nick gave us great entertainment…"
-"Hum… Well, what’s done is done and I have to move on. Anyway, thanks, Alvin, and Merry Christmas. "
-"Merry Christmas to you."

She kissed him and left after picking up the file she needed. Nick quickly grabbed his coat and ran to the elevator, just as the doors were closing. "Nick! What are you doing here?" she said, startled.
-"You don’t remember? I volunteer here, for another few months. You want to have a drink?"
- "I’m supposed to meet with my mother."
-"But surely, you can spare one hour."
- "I guess so. Do you really think this is…something we should be doing? I mean…"
- "I… I need to see you."


LuLu hesitates, feeling twinges of guilt.

-"Oh, Nick. I should have answered your letter, I know. "
-"Let’s not talk about that. Not here. Not now. "

The doors opened. They were in the basement, alone. Nick walked LuLu to her car, instinctively slipping his arm through hers before walking through the dark garage. He touched her shoulder. He turned her to face him and caressed her cheek, so softly that she sighed "LuLu." He kissed her. And LuLu got caught up in the kiss, asking for more, as hungry as he was. "Nick", she said, catching her breath. "Not in the parking lot," she paused, using the brief silence to take him all in. "Please".
- "Ok. Let’s go. "
- "Where?" she said, surprised.
- "To my place" he answered without hesitation.

[lambertoise]

LuLu looked at him, astonished. Nick didn’t open his home very easily.

-"You’re sure?"
-"Oh, yeah, I’m sure."
-"Ok, I’ll follow you."

Nick looked at her, not sure if he could believe her -"I promise", she added, smiling, "I’ll follow you."


Nick went to his car and both left the building for Nick’s house. Nick was driving carefully, checking in his rear view mirror if LuLu was still behind. He tried to think about what he could tell her, how he should explain himself, but was unable to put some order in his ideas. Only LuLu was able to get under his skin like this, leaving him in such a turmoil that he couldn’t think straight.

When they arrived, Nick hurried from his car to LuLu’s, not really believing she was there.

They went in. LuLu was still wondering if this was a mistake. But she wanted so much to be with him! She could not deny the pleasure it gave her to see him and how much she missed him these last months.

-"You want something to drink?"
-"Yeah, whatever you have…"
-"I have…" wishing that he was better prepared for the moment he had been waiting so long for. "I think I have beer and maybe some vodka, is that OK with you?"
-"Perfect."

It was the first time LuLu was in the house. The living room was immaculate, in fact, all the rooms looked very tidy. There was nothing very personal, except for a few family pictures that were sparsely scattered around the room. There was a painting on the wall but she couldn’t tell if it was a decorator’s choice or Nick‘s. She knew so little about him. LuLu’s heart sank as she asked herself how it could have been different and if it could be now…

Nick came back from the kitchen with her vodka and soda and an iced tea for himself. As they sat there together, the tension between them was almost tangible. An awkward silence fell, but it was not really uncomfortable. Nick was watching her intently as her eyes were taking everything in. Then, she turned to him. What she had to say could wait no longer.

-"Nick, that letter you wrote me, I …"
-"(very apologetically) "I know, I shouldn’t have…."
-"What do you mean?"
-"I mean, telling you how… how I felt … in a letter."
-"Do you regret what you said?"
-"No, no it’s not that."
-"Then what is it?"

"I should have told you these things in person" Nick said, rubbin his nape.
-"Yes, you should have. On the other hand, I’ve been thinking…"
-"About what?"
-"About why I was so…scared …"
-"Scared?"
-"Yes, I was scared. I did a lot of thinking, away from you. Maybe, in a way, the distance helped. (hesitates) But now I can see certain things more clearly. "
-"Like what?"
-"Like why I am so afraid of the strength of my feelings for you, why I married Brian, for whom I had affection, but, really, no love…Why men like my yoga teacher seemed so perfect for my reasonable self and so far from what I dream of. "

Nick couldn’t say a word. He just stared blankly across the room, his heart pounding in his chest. All these words that he so desperately needed to hear from her were being said, yet he couldn’t bring himself to tell her the three words that could change everything.

-"Nick, say something", she implored, her eyes slowly swelling with tears.
-"I don’t know what to say. Except that I’m happy you’re here." He hesitated then continued: "Please stay here tonight".

[lynnlee22]

Hi Lambertoise! You did an excellent job. It was truly a great read. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Thanks so much for writing. It's always good to read a positive Nick/Lulu fic. ;D

[jevees]

Lambertoise I didn`t know you write too, it`s excelent really I`m here waiting for more... don`t keep us waiting to long, ok? ;D

[fourbeccaone]

Lambertoise,
A letter! What an excellent idea and well written. So hard to say those three little words aloud....please continue. I'm anxious to hear more.

[cecilia]

Lambertoise, I just LOVE IT!......it´s tender and sweet and sort of sad....why do we all love so much this guy who can´t just say this to his girl?....maybe that´s why
.....I feel sorry for him!...you made it sound so real!...please, keep going!..... ;D

[Rosiiii1]

OMG Lambertoise!! This was incredible! I loved it! :bouncing: Sorry I'm so late - but I've been so distracted I hadn't even checked the fic boards for new stuff this week! What a pleasant surprise, to see this beautifully written, tender fanfic! There was so much emotion and heartache. By the way - I loved this line...

At 8 o’clock Caroline was waiting for Nick, but not with much hope. But then, here he was, gorgeous as usual, in his knee length black overcoat. "If this man could talk as gracefully as he walks, he would be a dream, "she thought.

Heee! ;D Sounded so much like Mama Caroline, and describes Nick to perfection!

Great job -- will be waiting with baited breath for more....we'll need plenty of fanfic for the long hot summer!