Following the bliss (In your care part II)

[lambertoise]

Title: Following the bliss
Author: Lambertoise
Context: This episode in Nick's life follows the events described in In Your Care. All the characters are taken from The Guardian. And, don’t forget, the F&F beating never happened.
My gratitude to my own guardian angel, Sarah, once again.
********************************************************************

That night, Nick and LuLu were lying in their bed. They just made love, and both were silent, dazed by the happiness that comes from good sex mixed with love. The window was open. They could hear sounds coming from the quiet neighbourhood. These first days of April felt like summer. In Northern countries, where the winters are always too cold and too long, people tend to be oversensitive about the weather and welcome the smells and colors brought by the spring with open windows.

LuLu was blissfully lying in Nick’s arms, her head upon his chest, both clad only in his crisp cotton sheets. Was it the spring? Was it Nick’s perfume? Or the soft voice of Nina Simone coming from downstairs? Anyway. LuLu interrupted the silence:

“Nick!” she says, picking her head up off his chest, to look at him in the eyes.

“What?” he answers, startled by the interruption of their tranquil silence.

“Let’s do something crazy!”<br>
“Like what?”

“Like going to Paris?”

“Why?”

“Why, why?” her tone betraying how disappointed she was by his reaction.

Nick, imperceptibly, tensed. But then, his thoughts went back to that Sunday afternoon, two months ago, in February, after he had asked LuLu to make up her mind, in Laurie’s kitchen. He has been so pleased to see her again, and he was grateful to Laurie for having got her back in Pittsburgh! After he had told LuLu to make her choice, he hadn’t heard from her for more than 24 hours and working was the only way he had found to forget about it.


*****************************************

Nick was working at his office, alone. Suddenly, he heard a noise at the door, a soft knock – it certainly wasn’t his father, he’d have just walked in. “Who else would be here?” Nick asked himself. Raising his head, he saw LuLu at his door.

“Hey”, she said softly.

“Hey,” Nick replied, sadly, not quite sure what to make of her unexpected visit.

“How are you?” she asked, but in the same breath knew just from looking at him that the week end has taken its toll on him too.

Nick just shrugged. They said nothing, LuLu looking at him– and knowing what she had to say to make things right, while he looked at her.

“I’m not good at this, but…” she stopped, seeing Nick’s face filling with sadness.

“What is it?” he asked alarmed by her hesitation, thinking that if she was there, it was to say goodbye.

“… Hum … May I come back home with you… for good?” she finally asked, though almost imploring.

Stunned, shocked, Nick nodded, then he closed his eyes. He was unable to speak or to make a gesture. He opened his eyes where LuLu immediately saw relief. She went to him, running her fingers through his hair, caressing his face while Nick, deeply moved, put his arms around her, his head resting on her heart. She started kissing his hair and leaned in to kiss him softly. They stayed like that for a long time, his arms wrapped securely around her, her arms holding him in close – neither one daring to let go. Nick was thinking about that funny t-shirt he once bought that said: Shit happens. "Yes, it does, but this, this moment, I will cherish for the rest of my life." he thought to himself.

Since that day, they were living together. Bit by bit, Nick’s house was becoming their home. Especially with all the knick knacks LuLu brought with her. She couldn’t help it; she didn’t know how to throw things away! Nick, accustomed to his perfectly clean house, had a few difficulties not throwing some of the stuff away himself. He had to put his foot down many times: he said no to the dog she wanted to get, no to the cat, no to the canary but agreed on the aquarium.

LuLu had a lot of free time. After she told the clinic in Berkeley that she wouldn’t stay, she had not found anything but was not looking seriously, because she was thinking about what she wanted with her career and it was not so easy. Nick didn’t try to push, he knew that sooner or later, she would make some choices. Her options were good in the city and her experience was very valuable.

Nick was surprised to see how much he enjoyed having someone to come home to. He never took time before to consider if his lonely life was normal or not. He was used to it. When LuLu was not in the garden – she had found out about the lilies, the tulips and the crocus before Nick, who had hired professional help to take care of it – she was kind of playing at being a homemaker. She didn’t mind the domesticity – it was a welcome change from her hectic months in Berkeley, and she knew that it was only temporary. Although he protested loudly to the idea of her staying at home and giving up her career to raise Brian’s brood, he rather liked the idea of her being there, maybe putting her career on hold while she made some decisions about her job.

Nick also liked LuLu’s habit of humming when she was at home. Her musical tastes were sometimes strange, or better said, eclectic. She could listen to syrupy ballads and sing along with Céline Dion while vacuuming; she liked to cook with Spanish, Mexican or Cuban music in the background. At night, before going to bed, she would put one of Nick’s jazz CDs like tonight, with Nina Simone’s velvet voice. Definitely, jazz was a turn on for both of them!

********************************** *********

Yes, LuLu was full of surprises and this invitation to go to Paris was one of them.

“Why should we go to Paris?” Nick asked a second time

“Why not?”she pouted.

“Because of my probation. Because I have a lot of work… because we don’t need to go…” he replied, by way of explanation.

“Nick, you don’t’ go to Paris because you need to go, it is because you want to go…. Because April in Paris is the best… Because I don’t have a job now and you could take some days off for Easter… And for your probation, I’m sure we could work out something with your PO.” She paused to check for a look of approval on his face… “I mean, it’s just a matter of a few months now and there was no relapse. He should be open to the idea.”<br>
“I’ll think about it” Nick whispered as he kissed her ear.

They made love again, and not another word was spoken about this trip to Paris before falling asleep.

The next day, Nick checked his calendar and saw that he could go without much trouble, especially with Easter coming, since everyone would be out of town anyway. He went to his father’s office.

“Dad, you have a minute?”<br>-
“Yes, Come in.”

“I’d like to take a few days off for Easter and I wanted to know if that would be OK with you?”<br>
“Yes, I don’t see why not, son. Do you have special plans?” Burton was happy to see Nick settling into a normal life. Nick was much more relaxed with him and he was better than ever on his job.

“Hem… I’m …Paris. We are going to Paris for a week.”<br>
“Great. Just make sure that all your clients are taken care of.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry.”

LuLu went to see the probation officer to explain the situation. She emphasized the fact that Nick has always complied with the restrictions and that the PO would know exactly where they were at all times. Her pleading was so strong that in the end, he agreed. Nick had to report once they arrived in Paris and then as soon as he was back in Pittsburgh.

[lambertoise]

A few days later, Nick and LuLu landed in Paris and went directly to the Ritz Carlton.

“J’ai une réservation au nom de Nicholas Fallin.” Nick spoke in French, apparently fluent. LuLu, obviously stunned, looked at him.

“I didn’t know that you spoke French,” she quipped, smiling.

“Well, a little,” he admitted modestly.

“Voilà Monsieur, si vous voulez bien compléter ce papier,” the concierge answered, “vous avez la chambre 322.”<br>
Their room offered a glimpse of the beautiful Place Vendôme. “A room with a view,” LuLu announced ecstatically to Nick. He came to the window, moving behind her, and put his arms around her waist. He whispered in her ear: “Yes, it is beautiful,” then kissed her nape, where he liked it so much. Both were silent for a moment, happy but tired. She helped Nick unpack then they decided to take a nap before starting their sightseeing. With the time difference, it was noon in Paris, but for them it was still 6 o’clock am and the night on the plane hasn’t been very restful.

From that moment, Nick and LuLu felt like young students but with money! They visited everything everywhere, walking down the little streets, having a sandwich with a glass of wine in a café for lunch, enjoying each other and the great food at night. April in Paris seemed to put even the austere Parisians in a good mood. Taxi drivers were not polite, it would be a terrible exaggeration, but they were full of anecdotes and tips about everything. Nick and LuLu were discovering that they had a lot of common tastes, except for the food.

One day, LuLu asked him where he had learned French.

“When I was 14 and 15 years old, my father sent me to this summer French camp in the Alps, so I could learn French and he could be rid of me, ” answered Nick.

“Did you like it?”she asked, curious about his past she knew almost nothing about.

“The first days were awful, I couldn’t understand a word. I didn’t like the kids, they were making fun of me. But, in the end, it was OK. It was even better than that. We had these wonderful walks in the mountains.”<br>
Nick didn’t tell LuLu about the other time he came in France, seven or eight years ago. He was living in New York at the time and his girlfriend was a stage actress who wanted very much to go the famous Festival de Théâtre in Avignon. The country was splendid, but the festival was so boring that Nick tried to escape and found excuses to not attend with Minette. That probably did the trick with their relationship.

Nick was discovering another side of LuLu: she was attentive to him, asking about him, looking truly interested. He was not accustomed to that curiosity about him. He wondered how much he should tell her, how much was too revealing… But in the same time, he relished every minute in her company. He felt they were becoming a couple and that LuLu, too, was growing more and more comfortable with him, with their new life.

The day before their departure, Nick came back to the hotel before LuLu, who was doing some last minutes errands. The concierge called out when Nick came to reception area.

“Mr. Fallin, I have a message for you. It says it’s urgent.”<br>
“Thank you.”<br>
In the elevator, Nick quickly started to read. It was from Jake. Nick, call me back on my cell, anytime. It’s urgent.
Nick called and at once, Jake answered.

“Oh Nick. Glad you called me fast. ”<br>
“What is it?” Nick asked, impatiently.

“Your father. He had a heart attack…”

“What?” Nick stammered, the words not yet sinking in.

“He had a heart attack this morning in the office and…”

Unable to take the suspense, Nick interrupted: “Is he... Is he?”

“Nick, he is not dead, but he is in the ICU.”<br>
“Oh God! Thank you for calling me and ... Call again if anything else happens. I’ll try to find another flight. I’ll be there tomorrow night.”<br>
Immediately, Nick called the airline and tried to find an earlier flight but theirs was the first departure for New York.

When LuLu arrived, Nick was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands.

“Nick,” she said, alarmed by his appearance. “What’s going on?”<br>
“My father…”

“What?”<br>
“My father… He had a heart attack this morning. Jake called.”<br>
“Is he OK?”<br>
“I don’t know. He is in the ICU.”<br>
“Did you call the hospital?”<br>
Nick hadn’t thought about that. He was so distressed that he couldn’t think straight.

LuLu called Jake and asked him about the details and the hospital’s phone number and the name of the doctor. Then she called and asked for Dr. Harry Grill, Burton’s cardiologist. He was not in but the nurse gave her the up-to-date: Burton was in the ICU and would stay there until the surgery. But for the other details, they would have to talk to Dr. Grill himself who would be in at 6 am tomorrow morning.

Nick was devastated. There was nothing he could do before the next morning and the waiting was making him crazy. LuLu tried to reassure him, but there was nothing she could say that Nick would listen to.

That night, they share a silent dinner. The beautiful days were over. The tension was nerve raking. During the night, Nick couldn’t sleep, lying restless beside her in the bed before he got up, only to stare quietly out the window until the sun rose.

The trip back to the USA was long, awfully silent. Nick was completely unable to hear or to talk. He was, as the shrink told him once, shut down. Sitting beside him, LuLu watched painfully, aware that she could not give Nick the help he needed.

As soon as they landed in Pittsburgh, Nick hailed a cab and told LuLu to go back home, he would go to the hospital alone. Hurt, LuLu asked him:

“Why don’t you want me to go with you?”<br>
“Because… because you don’t have to,” answered Nick.

His reluctance to talk was so obvious that LuLu took a cab and went back home.

The days that followed were difficult: the double bypasses went well, but Burton was very weak. Nick went to the hospital every morning and every night and was taking care of Burton’s clients with Jake. Jake proved again to be a good friend: he didn’t ask stupid questions, took a load of work and even went to the hospital once. LuLu went too, without Nick knowing. It felt like forbidden territory, something he couldn’t share with her.

Then, one night, Nick came back home, exhausted. Without a word, he sat on the couch, rubbing his hair, looking actually very tired and worn. They haven’t spoken for days. They were co-existing, and it was painful for both of them. Finally, LuLu started, carefully, aware that any conversation could become landmines:

“Nick,” she said, “you should rest.”<br>
“Hem…”

“It won’t help your father if you’re too tired.”<br>
“I’m OK.” he answered, sounding rather testy.

“Nick, you don’t sleep, you almost don’t eat …”

“That’s OK”

“Do you want me to do something?”<br>
“No, there is nothing you can do,” he answered shortly.

LuLu went back to the kitchen to finish supper. She set the table and sat in silence. Nick came to the table, but suddenly, he got up and went to the bar to pour himself a glass of scotch. LuLu didn’t say anything, she knew better but inside she started wondering how much more it would take for Nick to turn back to his old habits.

[lambertoise]

The next days, LuLu and Nick hardly saw each other. LuLu felt that Nick was becoming more and more remote. She was afraid if she tried to force him to confide, he would get angry. She felt helpless and unwanted…

Burton was getting better, but slowly. His convalescence would be difficult and long. The doctor told him that he had to say goodbye to the smoking and the drinking. Burton resented the doctor’s recommendations and in the same time, all the people around him who were trying to help. Like Nick.

When Burton went back home, Nick hired a nurse to be with his father, despite his protests. But Nick insisted and won that time on the nurse front. But there was no way Burton would stop smoking and Nick was afraid, each time he left him, that he was seeing him for the last time… Nick was discovering his old man was, in fact, old. And that not only he could die, but that he would die one day…<br>
A few days later, as Nick was working late, the phone rang.

“Yes?”<br>
“Son, I need you to bring me some cigarettes,” Burton ordered, “that damned nurse doesn’t want to get them for me.”

“Dad, you’re not supposed…”

“I know what I’m supposed to do and smoking is now what I need. I’m going crazy here,” declared Burton.

“I… OK. OK. I’ll be there soon.”<br>
By the time Nick got to his father’s house, Burton was asleep. Nick put the cigarettes on the living’s room table and went back home.

He felt completely out of his depth, overwhelmed by all that he had going on in his life. With LuLu, things were getting complicated. He knew she was trying to help him. But for the moment, he felt incapable of filling her need for him at the time. She could not understand that he wanted to be left alone. To avoid the confrontation, Nick came back home later and later every day.

On the other hand, as the days went by, LuLu could see Nick was depressed. She felt responsible. “I knew it couldn’t last,” she thought to herself. “I’m not good enough for him. He doesn’t need me, he wants me somewhere else…”

These two only child were unable to share their emotions with each other. They were just starting to learn how to do so with the little joys. But the sadness was something they have learned to keep to themselves. As the days went by, the gap became more and more insurmountable.

One night, a few weeks later, when Nick came back home, it was almost midnight. Seeing no sense in waiting up, LuLu went to bed, well aware that she wouldn’t sleep until she knew he was all right. Sometimes she didn’t know why she even bothered to wait up, much less stay there – he certainly didn’t seem to notice her presence. Hours passed and when she finally heard his key in the door, she knew better than to get up to meet him at the door. He’d probably just turn away. LuLu thought it would be better to wait, to let him come to her, if that’s what he wanted. Nick quietly walked into the bedroom and undressed. Maybe tonight will be different, LuLu lied to herself. When he came to the bed, LuLu could smell the alcohol on his breath and knew that he was drunk.

“Nick.”<br>
“Yeah?”<br>
“What happened?”<br>
“Nothing.”

“Why are you drunk?”<br>
“I’m not drunk.”<br>
“Yes, you are.”<br>
“Could you please leave me alone, Miss Perfect,” Nick demanded angrily, getting out the bed.

“Where are you going?”<br>
“To the guest room where nobody will judge me.”<br>
“Nick!”<br>
Nick left the room, slamming the door. LuLu was devastated. LuLu lay alone in her bed, while Nick as miserable as she was, tried to sleep in his guestroom. The next morning, at the table, Nick didn’t say a word. LuLu saw that she couldn’t keep going like this. She touched his hand and, softly, said:

“We cannot keep going like this, Nick…”

He looked at her, opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came. When he leaned to kiss her, she took his face in her hands, looking in his eyes intently, trying to read what was going on in his head. She could see he was miserable too. She let him go and Nick left for work without a word.

An hour later, she made a decision and picked up the phone.

“Mom,” she said on the phone.

“Oh, LuLu, How are you?”<br>
“Well, OK. May I see you today?”<br>
“Sure. That would be great. Can you make it for lunch?”<br>
“Hem… I was thinking about … staying at your place for a few days, actually…”

“Something wrong?”<br>
“Kind of…”

“Why, sure,” her mother answered after an imperceptible hesitation, “you’re welcome. I’ll be there at 6. See you then.”<br>
“Thanks, Mom.”<br>
Nick came back home early that day. He wanted at least to show LuLu that he cared even he could not find the words to say it. The lights were off and the house was very silent. Intrigued, he entered and saw at once the piece of paper on the couch.


Nick,

I’m sorry I can’t find the words or the ways to help you. I just make things worse each time I try. I am not up to your expectations and I know you are disappointed in me. I really thought we could be happy, but I can’t give you what you need or what you want.

Our happiness was too good to be true and now, my unhappiness is destroying you and me.

I love you,

LuLu

(To be continued?)

[fourbeccaone]

lambertoise,
It's beautiful, sad, but so real. Nick shut down, Lulu confused. I need part lll !!! They MUST come to grips with their feelings and share.....
fourbeccaone