Mothers

[lambertoise]

Title: Mothers
Author: Lambertoise
Context: This new chapter in Nick and Lulu’s lives opens a few weeks after Burton had a stroke (Beginnings). The main characters are taken from The Guardian but the others are only the products of my imagination. My gratitude to my own guardian angel, Sarah, once again.
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On a Sunday night, the offices at Fallin & Fallin are, like in most offices on Grant Street, very quiet. Pittsburgh’s nightlife is livelier closer to the river where the clubs and restaurants are located. Even after Burton’s stroke, a month ago, business was showing no sign of slowing down.

Though it was the week end, tonight Jake was sitting at his desk, reading, and reading again the letter that his mother has left him. He would have preferred to have never found it, but with his parents’ divorce finalized, the responsibility to go through her things fell to him. In her letter, his mother was telling him that she knew “about his sickness” but that she loved him nevertheless, and that she hoped that he would be happy, in spite of the circumstances. She let him know that he had made her proud, that she had felt loved by her son and that it was a great gift God had given her.

Even now, Jake was not ready to admit he was gay. His own mother telling him so had plunged him in profound distress. He couldn’t talk about it with anyone, and didn’t know what to do. Jake felt threatened by the mere fact that even a few people knew, people that he dared to call his ‘friends.’ He knew his psychological state of mind was showing in his work and he couldn’t let that happen, if he wanted to land the managing partner position.

That’s why he was there now, on a Sunday night, trying to catch up on some business deals scheduled for the coming week. It was all that he could do to keep his mind off things, other things…

“What are you doing here?” Lulu asked, more than surprised to see him working on a Sunday night.

Lulu startled him. He hadn’t heard her coming in. He wondered how long she had been there, what she might have seen, what she was thinking. Turning away from the papers spread over his desk, Jake tried not to show his distress over the interruption.

“Hey Lulu, good evening! Hum… Just some work…” Jake’s eyes quickly and nervously scanned over his desk, making sure the letter was not in view. “And you? May I help you?”<br>
“Nick asked me to come and get a file from his office,” Lulu answered, adding with a warm smile, “he was staying with the baby and was putting her to bed…I’m back at work now… so he tries to help out, as much as he can…”

“I told you he would make a good dad,” Jake reminded her with a forced smile, that fateful day again crossing his mind. Trying not to think of it, he moved the conversation in another direction. “And how is Leanne? I mean, with her problem, how are you two coping?” he asked, always ill at ease about the baby’s condition – but even more so around Nick.

Lulu wasn’t eager to discuss Leanne’s Down syndrome with just anyone. She couldn’t help it, but she felt judged every time someone mentioned it to her. Lulu hated, more than anything, that people saw Leanne as a Down’s syndrome child, instead of a baby girl that just happened to have Down’s syndrome. She would have liked better if they had inquired about Leanne as if she was just another cute and funny kid. Which, to her and Nick at least, she was.

“You know, Jake, she is a very normal baby, and for now she has given us only pleasure and no trouble. And even with the Downs, we can envision a future for her. She might not be a lawyer, taking over her grandfather’s firm, but that doesn’t mean we’d…”

It was only then that Jake realized how uncaring and cool his inquiry came off and quickly recanted, “I’m sorry if I hurt you. It’s just… I’m not good at this anyway. You know me…” He paused a moment, still looking at her, “business is my department, not private matters.”<br>
“Jake, don’t say that. You were the first one to support me when I found out that I was pregnant. I didn’t forget that day…”

“Well, I’d prefer if you did, to tell the truth…” Jake’s eyes fell to the floor, he already anticipated the conversation taking another awkward turn. It was a subject he didn’t want to discuss with anyone, not even Lulu.

“Why?” she asked, knowing how adamant Jake had been months before about her regarding him as a friend, and then suddenly it hit her. “Oh!” she said after a second, remembering where it was that she had met him, at the door of a gay club and she knew, from Nick, that it was still a secret… even if Burton had found out about it. Well aware of his desire for privacy and whatever it was going on with Kate, she knew better than to ask questions.

“Uh…” Jake flashed an awkward smile, not sure what more there was to be said. He hoped that would suffice to show his appreciation for the respect she was showing him with her secrecy – especially when it came to Kate.

Though she was willing to stay and talk, Lulu stopped herself from offering and instead said: “I don’t want to keep you from working, so I’ll go now. Good night…”

It was funny, Jake thought after Lulu left, how he had been able to speak with Lulu so easily when he learned about the pregnancy and how sure he was about Nick as a solid father. But even if he knew Lulu was not the one to reveal secrets, he couldn’t help to be worried that one day, her loyalty toward Kate would be stronger than her obligation toward him. He couldn’t bear the thought of having to come forward after being exposed. He was far too ashamed of who he was.

Back home, Lulu found Leanne asleep and Nick working quietly at the kitchen table. She set the file he needed down on the table.

“Jake was at the office”, Lulu said, quietly, breaking the silence as she took off her coat.

“Hum…” Nick replied, not really listening. His eyes were focused on the contracts spilled out before him.

“He seemed preoccupied”, Lulu added, sitting down beside Nick, “I’m really worried about him.” When he didn’t respond, she touched him lightly on his sleeve: “Nick, I’m talking to you.”<br>
“Yeah… Just a second, let me finish this,” Nick answered distantly.

“I’m going to bed”, Lulu finally said, after a few seconds, seeing that Nick was totally absorbed in his work. She got up and left the room without saying another word.

A half hour later, Nick came to their bedroom, where he found Lulu reading yet another book about DS children and new ways to enhance their potential. She raised her eyes to see him coming in.

“Lulu”, he said, sitting down beside her on their bed, “I’m done, I can listen now.”<br>
“Do you know how difficult it is for me to try to fit in your life?” Lulu asked, the earlier hurt reflected in her eyes. “Don’t answer”, she pleaded quietly, caressing his lips softly with her fingertips when Nick tried to find a response, “I really don’t want to start another argument now, I didn’t mean to sound angry. I’m not. I’m just…”

“No, you’re right. It’s… I mean, having you, having someone to share my evenings is still so new for me… I know I’m still not very good at it.”

“Well, I guess it’s just something we both have to learn,” Lulu returned through a sad smile, not believing anyway that he could change this radically. On the other hand, his capacity to be so absorbed in what he was doing might be a trait she found difficult to live with, but it was also one of his qualities she admired.

“I guess so…” Nick smiled briefly. It truly wasn’t his intention to act as he did, to seemingly ignore and overlook, it was just habit. He thought by now it would be easier to accept, the idea of having someone there, someone who needed him and wanted him – but sometimes it wasn’t.

Stripped down to his boxers, Nick folded his clothes neatly over the chair and walked back quietly toward the bed, feeling that enough had been said. Lulu closed her book and waited for Nick so she could coil around him. That never failed: it always brought her comfort.

Both lawyers who should have been excellent expressing what was needed with words, it was strange that they were unable to do it properly when it came to their personal feelings. But they were still hungry for each other, and the physical closeness was most of the time the door for intimate conversations…<br>

[lambertoise]

The next morning, Nick’s first meeting was with Mrs. Blackburn, a woman in her early 70’s who had inherited her husband’s company and who was used to bossing people around her. Everything about her spoke about power and decisiveness: her white hair tightly assembled in a French braid, the pearls, the sober but high class Chanel suit. She was not the kind of client Nick was looking for, but his father has asked him to. Since the stroke, Burton has regained almost all his strength, but had agreed to slow down his activities and to refer some clients to others.

Unsurprisingly, Mrs. Blackburn hadn’t said why she wanted to see an attorney.

“Good morning, Mr. Fallin,” she said, entering Nick’s office.

“Good morning. What can I do for you?” Nick began, eager to get this meeting over with as quickly as possible.

“Young man. Don’t rush me,” she fired back snappishly, “small talk isn’t in you, obviously. Are you always that rude? ”<br>
“I’m sorry, Ms. Blackburn”, answered Nick, embarrassed and blushing, “I didn’t mean to …”

“At least you’re decent enough to feel some shame”, she said coolly, noting his discomfort. “Give me some time to put my thoughts together. It’s not easy… ”<br>
“Sorry. Please sit down,” Nick extended his hand out to her, and waited for her to take a seat.

After a moment, Nick sat down too, a bit uneasy, and waited for her to signal that she was ready.

A long minute passed, she looked up at him and flatly stated: “I want to sell the company and I want you to tell me to whom I could give the money.”<br>
Nick gasped at her request. It was a first. Most of the time – no, all the time – his clients wanted more, not less.

“What do you mean?” he asked, wanting to be certain that he had heard her correctly.

“I mean I have no heir, no family and I don’t want the business anymore and I want to give my money to something worth it…” Mrs. Blackburn paused a moment, sensing a hint of disbelief in Nick’s voice, “is this going to be a problem, Mr. Fallin?”

“Well, no… it’s just… well, that’s an unusual request,” Nick said, clearly out of his playground and taken by complete surprise.

The old woman nodded, “but it is feasible, isn’t it?”<br>
“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be,” Nick returned, more than a bit bewildered. “Do you have any association, any cause you feel for?”<br>
“I wouldn’t ask you if I have any idea about it,” she replied curtly, as if he should have known.

“First things first, we have to sell your company. I’ll do the necessary research to make sure you get an excellent price for it. May I talk with your senior staff about it?”

Not wanting to be presumptuous, Nick waited a moment for an answer, but she just nodded in agreement.

“In the mean time,” he continued cautiously, “would you, please, think a little more about what kind of donation you’re thinking about? There are some that could bring you substantial tax breaks. ”

“Yes. Just…just get rid of it and please make it fast. And call me as soon as something gets done,” Mrs. Blackburn got up from the chair and collected her things, “thank you for your time, Mr. Fallin.”

Before Nick could even tell her goodbye, Mrs. Blackburn abruptly left the office, leaving Nick wondering about the woman’s real intentions.

*****
Meanwhile, at his desk, Jake was sitting in his arm chair; looking outside the window, gone again in his dark thoughts and with his mother. Should he have discussed his dilemma with her? Why didn’t he see she was sick? Was he so focused on himself that he had been unable to read the signs?

It was too late now. There was no going back. There was nothing that could’ve been said.

At lunch he went to a bar that played blues all day long. When he heard the first notes of the saxophone playing Motherless child, he started crying, finished his beer and went home for the rest of the day. He just didn’t have it in him to go back to the office, to force his presence in a world in which he did not belong.

*****

Around 5 o’clock, Lulu called Nick, like she had started to do during her maternity leave, to ask him what time he would be home.

Going back to LSP after her absence, she had discovered how much she was used to Nick being there. Even when he wasn’t there, there was the reassuring knowledge that he would come, sooner or later… Now his absence seemed so loud.

“I don’t know yet,” he answered, still unused to her daily call. “Come in,” he said to his father who was standing just inside his door. “What did you say?” he asked Lulu, a little distracted by Burton’s arrival.

“Nothing… Your father’s there? Tell him I said hello. Why don’t you invite him for dinner tonight? I had some time to cook this afternoon…”

“I’ll ask him… I think he will say yes,” Nick paused a moment, and glanced at his father, motioning him to come closer. “He always says yes to your invitations”, he added, looking at his father still standing in the door.

In fact, Burton accepted quickly. Since Shannon had left, he found himself terribly lonely for dinner.

Sitting at their table, he enjoyed the company. Lulu was a generous hostess; he had to give her that. Her cooking talents were limited but the warmth of her reception was largely compensating. The menu amused Burton who knew how peculiar Nick was with food and the casserole Lulu had cooked was okay but definitely not a favourite of his son. But Burton could see how Nick’s social skills were improving living with Lulu. Burton had first thought that Lulu wouldn’t be enough for his son, but as soon as she became pregnant, he had prayed that Nick would understand and take seriously his commitment. Fatherhood had finally brought the greatest change, giving Nick a real purpose in life.

“I met Mrs. Blackburn,” Nick said casually to his father, “not an easy person.”<br>
“Yes, I know. But her husband has been a long time client so the firm owes her that much.” Wiping the corner of his mouth with his napkin, Burton glanced at his son, “we can’t always hand pick our clients… or their wives…:

“Does she really manage the business or does she just pocket the money?” Nick asked curiously, wanting to be fully aware of what he was getting himself into with her.

“Actually, from what I heard, she is really into it.” Burton paused for a moment, and then continued, “The son is a good for nothing, so I guess she didn’t have much of a choice.”<br>
“She has a son? She told me she didn’t!” Nick exclaimed, clearly put off by this information. In fact, the woman had flat out lied to him, claiming that she had no heir.

“Well, I think the father wanted to disinherit him for his bad behaviour,” Burton explained.

“What behaviour?”

“Drugs, stealing money from his parents, that kind…”

“How old is he?” Nick asked, finding himself to be a bit uncomfortable.

“About your age, I guess. It’s a shame,” Burton concluded without considering the parallel with his own son.

Nick glanced at Lulu who looked at him in the same time, sharing the same uneasiness without a word.

Lulu was discovering, during these family meals, how even a loving father could hurt his son. She knew how hurt she has been by her own father, but he never loved her the same way Burton clearly loved his son. Despite these occasional awkward moments, she enjoyed these meals with the Fallin men who had become her closest family now.


*****

After dessert composed of fresh strawberries and whipped cream – a Fallin’s favourite, this time - Burton sat down in the living room, in charge of Leanne’s bottle. He had learned from Lulu how to do it, and tonight, he was doing it like a pro.

“Burton,” Lulu said, “you’re doing great.”<br>
Burton looked up for a moment and flashed a smile, surprised by the compliment.

“A real granddaddy in the making,” she added gaily, knowing it meant a lot to him.

“Well, I have a lot to catch up on. I’ve never been much of a father,” the old man admitted.

In the kitchen where he was busy stacking the dishes in the dishwasher, Nick heard the conversation and prayed for it to end right then. He hated when his father brought back painful memories of the past.

“I’m sure you weren’t so bad,” Lulu said gently, glancing at Nick in the kitchen, wondering if he was listening. She knew it was a do not touch subject with him.

“Unfortunately, it’s true,” continued Burton with a sad smile as he dug back into his memories. Perhaps because he had his grandbaby there in his arms, he felt unusually open and close…. “I wanted to play with Nick, but his mother was afraid I would hurt him when he was a toddler. And when I decided it was time to become involved and wanted to teach him baseball, Nick was 8 years old. But it was too late… I was already a stranger, at least in his eyes.” Burton took a deep breath. Offering his grandbaby a kind smile, Burton looked back toward the kitchen, “Son, I hope that you won’t make the same mistakes I did…” he said to Nick, his voice marked with sadness and regret.

There was an awkward silence during which Lulu took her sleepy baby girl from Burton to put her to bed. Getting up from the couch, Burton kissed his two ladies, as he called them, and a few minutes later, he took his leave.

[lambertoise]

Lulu went upstairs to put Leanne in her bed. The baby still smelt good from the bath she had taken before dinner and Lulu loved tickling her daughter’s neck with her nose before putting her in her bed. It made them both laugh.

Lulu was still beside her bed when Nick came to join them. They liked to watch their daughter falling into sleep: it made them feel good about themselves. They have been able to have this lovely daughter together. Her handicap only made Lulu and Nick more aware of the importance they had in her life. But tonight, Burton’s words were still in Nick’s ears and he was worried about the part he would be able to play in his daughter’s life.

While they got ready for bed, Lulu asked Nick how he felt.

“I’m OK”, he answered.

“What do you think about what your father said? Do you think he was right? That he became a stranger in your eyes? ” Lulu continued, not sure if she should engage in this conversation.

“No. ” Nick replied, pleading her with his eyes to not continue this conversation.


*****
Since Lulu had gone back to work, Nick had decided he would be in charge of the three am bottle. He had come to love this time of the night, alone with his daughter, his thinking hour. No noise, except for Leanne’s sucking. He took great pleasure in this moment, something he didn’t share with anyone, not even Lulu. This moment was his and Leanne’s only.

Tonight, he was thinking about his Dad’s admission of having been too late as a father. Nick didn’t want to believe it was possible that his mother had kept him from his father. Was it just because she was protective? Overprotective? Was there really a difference between a mother’s love and a father’s? Nick didn’t believe that since he had had his daughter. The feelings he had for her were, he was sure, the same his mother had had for him. And if his father had been allowed to do the same, he would probably have liked it. From the first moment he took his daughter in his arms, at the hospital, Nick knew his life would never be the same. He had seen the way Lulu had looked at him and that look nourished his hope for the future. Sometimes, he wondered if he would have felt more for his daughter without her handicap. But now, after five months with her, it didn’t matter anymore. What mattered the most to him were the little things, like that he had noticed recently that her finger nails were like his, not like Lulu’s. When he had told Lulu about it, she had laughed and said that she had hoped to keep it a secret since Leanne also had his blond hair and the same sparkly blue-green eyes…<br>
Every now and then, Nick felt he was like a mother with his daughter. Lulu was a great mother. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for Leanne’s well being and happiness. But because of her handicap, Lulu always wanted to do more with her daughter so that she wouldn’t be too disadvantaged later. Nick never asked but guessed that Lulu was giving him the opportunity to be a softie with Leanne, like if she had known, even before him, that he had this soft spot inside himself! He knew her baby needed stimulations but that she also needed, like all the babies in the world, just to be herself. Looking at her now, Nick smiled and caressed her soft cheek. He cradled her back to sleep, thinking again that at least concerning Leanne, he and Lulu were a good pair. Not perfect – by far, but whatever they had, it worked…<br>
*****

The morning after, Nick met Jake in the elevator and reminded him of their meeting in the afternoon. While Nick wasn’t quite sure what it was, Jake seemed distracted. Nick had noted these last days few, in fact since his mother’s death, that Jake was not so outgoing or ambitious any more. There was definitely something bugging him, but Nick wasn’t sure it was his mother’s death.

Back in his office, he called Mrs. Blackburn.

“How can you expect me to do my job if you don’t tell me the truth?” he asked tersely, still angered by what his father had told him about the Blackburn family the night before.

“What are you talking about?” Mrs. Blackburn replied tersely.

“Your son…” Nick said.

“Well, I don’t have to tell you everything. You just do as you’re asked,” she answered curtly.

“I’m sorry, but that’s not my way of doing business. I want to do it properly and for that, I need you to trust me and give me all the pertinent facts.”<br>
“What do you want to know?” she demanded, not quite certain how an invasion of her privacy was considered pertinent to the sale of her deceased husband’s company.

“Well, your son should be the one to inherit,” Nick explained, “are you really going to give him nothing?

“He already had too much from his father. He didn’t have the chance you had…” Mrs. Blackburn returned coldly, “not everyone is that lucky…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you got arrested and you were put to some service and I know from your father, that it all changed you…”

“Hem…” Nick was truly embarrassed by his father’s indiscretion but now was not the moment to discuss that.

“Anyway,” Mrs. Blackburn continued, “I want to provide for him but I don’t want to give him the opportunity to spend all his money on his drugs.”<br>
“So, we’ll make sure of that, it can be taken care of…” Nick paused a moment. “But for this,” he clarified, “I have to know what all your intentions are…”

“Understood. What else do you want to know?”<br>
“Did you think about the cause you could support with your money?”

“I really don’t know. I’d prefer to let you suggest something… ”

”I have a few ideas. We’ll talk about it next time I see you. For now, I could have a potential buyer. Your vice president. He was a little vexed that you haven’t spoken to him about this yet, actually. He is already putting some money together and should be back with an offer in less than a week. Do you have any objection? ”<br>
“No. Just do it. Is that all?”<br>
“For now, yes,” Nick could tell by the sound of her voice that she was agitated, and didn’t want to push her any further with his inquiry.

“Then, thank you, Mr. Fallin,” Mrs. Blackburn returned politely.

Hanging up the phone, he finally felt as if he was in control.

*****

Nick was the king of that kind of deal. He really loved this part of his work and knew he was good at it. During the week, he met with the vice president, his partners, and when he judged the offer was ready and more than acceptable for his client, he set up a meeting with his client.

When she came, he made sure to ask about her health and the weather. Once they were sat, he told her about the offer.

“What do you think, is it reasonable? You did fast, in just one week!” she said, rather admiringly.

“It’s a very good offer. More than that. And it is fair for you and fair for them. Honestly, I think you should take it.”<br>
Satisfied, Mrs. Blackburn began to gather her things, “may I think about it?”<br>
“The offer stands for 48 hours.”<br>
“Very well, I shall come back to you before that.”<br>
“I also have a few propositions for the money,” he said, looking at her for her answer. Knowing better than to pressure her for any quick decisions, Nick thought it would be best to wait, “we could talk about that next time, if you want.”<br>
“Perfect. Thank you Mr Fallin.” Mrs. Blackburn got up from her chair and headed for the door, without saying another word.

*****

[lambertoise]

Lulu and Emma were discussing with Mrs. Alston, Jamie’s mother, in Lulu’s office. She had the same scared look as her son. She was a walking billboard for battered woman: the large, dark sun glasses worn indoors; the small, weak and childlike voice; all of her attitude betrayed her long years of suffering and fear of what could happen. Even after her husband’s death, she seemed unsure of how much she should say…of what could happen when she broke that silence.

Lulu, who has been rather annoyed by Emma’s abrasive attitude the first time they met, found out that Emma was able to talk softly with her client, encouraging her to tell all about the abuse. Jamie’s mother wanted to help her son, but words weren’t coming out easily.

“You understand that this history is essential for your son’s defence,” Emma explained.

“Yes,” she answered, her head tipped downward.

“So, has your husband always been violent?” Emma asked, trying to get to the point.

“He was a good father, you know, he provided a house and the food. He brought home all the money we needed, even if he had to work overtime…” Mrs. Alston answered, clearly avoiding the question.

Lulu was amazed each time she was hearing victims like Jamie’s mother defending a cruel husband. Self-esteem was not Lulu’s strength, but never would she let herself be victimized and degraded like that.

Emma was bit by bit extracting the information from Mrs. Alston. The story was classic: Jamie and his mother were forbidden friends, visits, outside contacts. Mrs. Alston left her job as soon as she got married and came to Pittsburgh to live with her husband. She had almost no contact with her family, where there has been also a history of violence. For her, violence was part of a woman’s life. That night, she explained, when her husband was killed, he was beating her again when Jamie tried to rescue her. Her husband became completely enraged and hit Jamie on the head with the butt of his gun. Jamie took their defence upon himself. By then, Mrs Alston was crying, repeating: it was my entire fault…

After Mrs. Alston left, Lulu asked Emma what she thought.

“I think it will be relatively easy to prove the violence and the context of self-defence. Mrs. Alston has been treated in different hospitals, so putting the files together will show a pattern of physical abuse. But she needs to get some help if we want her to be able to speak on her son’s behalf. ”

Obviously, Emma was feeling confident that Jamie’s case could be resolved quite quickly. Lulu hoped she was right – a victory like this could only mean good things. For Jamie and his mother mostly but also for the future of LSP.

“OK, I’ll try to put together some jurisprudence regarding family violence involving death. I already have a few cases in mind that should be very convincing,” Emma said, nearly ready to leave for her office at Fallin & Fallin.

“And how do you like it at Fallin& Fallin?” Lulu questioned, suddenly curious to know how an original like Emma felt among a bunch of corporate lawyers.

“I don’t think I’ll stay there long after Jamie’s case. Prejudice runs high,” Emma hesitantly answered, “and …”

“What do you mean?” Lulu asked naively.

“I mean I got invitations from all the guys, the available and the non available. Not the Fallins, though,” she added with a smile, seeing how Lulu tensed up at the mention of Fallin and invitations. “And I said no to all of them and now they resent me.”<br>
“Why is that? Lulu looked at her again, completely baffled.

“Hey, it’s no secret; I am only interested in women. Men tend to consider that the supreme insult to their manhood,” she explained, laughing and packing her papers, ready to go. “See you,” she said, leaving in a hurry.

There was more to Emma Duvall than just a good lawyer and a pest in public, Lulu thought watching Emma at the elevator.

*****

That evening, Lulu and Nick were having dinner with Leanne sitting in her new highchair. It wasn’t often that they got to sit down to eat together. Both were responding to the baby’s happy noises and smiles. Lulu was telling Nick about Jamie’s situation and Emma’s astonishing good way to handle the case and Jamie’s mother.

“You like her?” Nick asked.

“Yes, I do,” Lulu answered. “I wasn’t sure I would be able to work with her. But she is good. Not only because her knowledge is brilliant, but you should have seen her with Mrs. Alston. You couldn’t imagine two women more different. And yet, she was talking to her in the manner that was needed. Really, she is good. What do you think? ”<br>
“I agree, she is excellent, but she doesn’t seem to like corporate guys very much,” Nick added, chuckling, having rarely met such an unconventional woman before.

“She told me she felt a little, hum… different, let’s say. Her beauty can be misleading. She is more than a pretty face, you know?” Lulu could tell from the look on Nick’s face that he didn’t know what she was getting to.

“Yeah, I noticed she rejected all the guys,” Nick commented casually with a smile. “Only Jake and I have been spared because we didn’t ask her out. I’m afraid we would get the same treatment. ”<br>
“You’re right,” Lulu returned knowingly with a smile, catching him a bit off guard. “And that’s perfect…well, for me anyway, I wouldn’t want to see you having any thoughts about her,” she continued, half-serious and half-joking

In spite of her guarded attempt at humour, Nick knew it was still a sore subject and looked at her seriously. “Lulu, it won’t happen…” he paused a moment, still looking across the table at her “It is you I want to be with. I wish you’d believe me! What happened won’t happen again!” Nick replied defensively.


*****

Later, during his thinking hour, Nick’s mind went back to Mrs. Blackburn’s assessment of what happened to him. He always considered being busted and sentenced to community service a simple case of bad luck (even if he knew more or less consciously that it was that bad luck that brought Lulu and Leanne in his life). Never had he considered that he had been redeemed by the experience. What would have happened if he hadn’t been caught? He was convinced he was in control of his drug use, and that he could have stopped using without being arrested, but certainly, without the 1500 hours ordered for community service, he wouldn’t have discovered the pleasure of working with kids and his deep need to become a father. Was it what Mrs. Blackburn had meant? These last three years had changed him, he acknowledged that. But he still wondered if he was a man for a settled life or if the urge to move, to feel alive through extreme experiences would come back one day…

[lambertoise]

During this time, Jake was drinking alone in a gay bar. He was wondering if these gay men, who seemed happy to be who they were, were able to guess, to know who he was, if he too belonged there. He was thinking about his last conversation with Kate, earlier that evening. She had found him preoccupied, and when she had asked about it, he was rather abrupt…

“I don’t want to talk about it. In fact, I think we should stop seeing each other,” Jake stammered, “I don’t think this is working…”

“What?” Kate demanded, stunned.

“Yeah, I don’t think we are meant to be together,” he replied, without looking at her.

“What do you mean?” Kate asked, her voice beginning to crack.

“Look at you: privileged childhood, perfect attitude everywhere, clothes always the right colour and the right style. I don’t reflect very well on you and even if I wanted, I will never have your ease in society…” Jake stared down at the bar, feeling her eyes upon him, “this… this just isn’t going to work…”

“Jake, you are so wrong. I didn’t choose to be born in my family and I don’t think I ever threw these privileges to your face. I can’t believe what you’re saying. What’s wrong with you?” she asked, her eyes now filled with tears. Kate was completely unaware of what could have brought on this onslaught.

“Kate, it’s not your fault, it’s me. Any way, I know you want a family and I don’t think you should waste your time with someone like me. ”<br>
“Don’t you want a family?” Kate questioned tearfully, “before, when we were speaking about the future…”

“I don’t think it’s going to be my destiny…” Jake answered, glooming. “Take care, and be happy.”<br>
And he had left her on the threshold of her door, running back to his car and then, to this bar. He got himself drunk and when the barman decided it was time for him to go back home, he had found Nick’s business card and had called him.

“My mother…”, said Jake after Nick had put him in the car, feeling worse than he had moments before.

“What? ” Nick asked, his eyes on the road.

“My mother, she said she knew. How could she? I don’t even know myself,” Jake continued, talking more to himself than Nick.

“What are you talking about?” Nick wasn’t really in a mood for conversation, after being called at three o’clock to get Jake. The call had come while he was feeding Leanne so he was awake but nevertheless, he was in a bad mood. He had just enough time to finish her bottle, put her back down and get himself dressed – not eager to be going out so late

“She said she knew I was gay. Am I? God, it’s so shameful,” Jake added tearfully, clearly embarrassed by the state he found himself in.

Not knowing what to say, Nick didn’t say a word. He drove Jake back to his house and made sure he was alright before going back home.

When Nick arrived, the lights in the living room were on and Lulu was up waiting up for him. He realized at once that he should have left a message explaining where he was going… considering his behaviour and lies during his affair with Susanne Pell and how worried Lulu still was.

“Where were you?” she asked. Her tone was not accusatory, but tired and inquisitive. Given their past problems, Nick knew late night calls never went over well; but Lulu hoped this time, at the very least, he’d tell her if something was wrong. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Jake called. I had to go”, he answered curtly, feeling defensive.

“Jake…” she repeated, dubious. Months before it had been the gym, and now it was Jake. Given his reaction to her earlier comment, she couldn’t help but have her doubts. This was the man Nick didn’t want to give her two minutes to talk about days before – and now he was going out to meet him late at night? How convenient!

“Yes, Jake…” Nick returned snappishly, annoyed by her obvious incredulity.

He angrily left the room and went directly to bed without saying another word. Lulu followed, hurt and angry too, trying to convince herself that explanations could wait another time.

*****

That morning, Nick took the same elevator than Jake, who didn’t know if he should thank Nick or apologize to him. Nick thought that he might sometimes be good enough to help people, but sometimes it backfired: last time, helping Alvin had angered his father and this time, it was Lulu who was miffed… Finally, they went their way without saying a single word.

*****
“This is what I suggest,” Nick glanced up at Mrs. Blackburn, his proposal ready for what she could do with the funds acquired from the sale of her husband’s company.

The old woman acknowledged him with a nod, “Well, I’m listening…”

“You could give 30 % of the money to the Pittsburgh Children’s hospital. With that money, they could even name a section after you or your husband,” he began, pausing just a moment to make sure he had her attention, “another 25 % could go to United Way, another 15 % for the museum. My father told me you’ve been involved with it for a long time, another thing you could have told me… ”<br>
“That was a good way to find out if you were able to get the information, don’t you think?” Mrs. Blackburn asked, a thin smile on her face.

“That test wasn’t necessary,” Nick stated flatly, “anyway… You know my community hours were done at LSP, a legal clinic dedicated specially but non-exclusively to children’s rights. If you think they did a good job with me, maybe they deserve that money. I must add, to be honest, that I live with the director of the clinic, but that’s not the reason why I have suggested it.”<br>
“You live with the director?” Mrs. Blackburn raised her brows, intrigued. Seeing that Nick was unwilling to comment further on the situation, she then considered his proposal for a moment, “So I would give them 30% of the money?”<br>
“No, it would only be 20 %. The last 10 % should go in a trust for your son. He will need, one day, all the help he can get and good programs cost a lot. He’ll need therapy, and I don’t know what else, but abandoning him won’t make him abandon the drugs…”

“Somebody told me once you were not someone to mess with,” Mrs. Blackburn commented, after a pause. “I’m a little surprised by your suggestions. They’re telling a completely different story,” she added with an awkward smile – not quite sure what to make of this young Mr. Fallin.

“You can go in another direction, I don’t mind. You asked me for ideas, I gave them to you. Now, you do what you want,” Nick advised her cautiously, unsure of what she was thinking.

“No, we will do exactly what you said. And I thank you,” she said, standing up. After a few seconds of silence, Mrs. Blackburn added, shaking hands with Nick, “Your father did a better job with you than I did with my son, it seems…”

[lambertoise]

Back home that evening, the atmosphere was still tense from last night’s misunderstanding. Lulu felt bad because it was the first time she hadn’t make her 5 o’clock call. So she said a few words to greet Nick as he arrived. He decided not to tell her right away about the donation. He knew the clinic could do a lot of work with all that money and he was very happy with the outcome of his deal for Mrs. Blackburn. But his wounded pride prevented him from telling her that night: he was waiting for her to make some amends.

*****

The day after, the doorbell rang while Lulu was changing Leanne after she had eaten. The baby had recently started solid food and seemed to take great pleasure spitting apricots at her mother’s face. In spite of the frequent messes and the sometimes overtired fits, Lulu knew she wouldn’t trade her afternoons with Leanne for anything.

“Hi, Kate. Sorry I’m a mess,” she added, laughing, seeing the stunned look on Kate’s face. Kate had called earlier to ask if they could eat together.

“No, you look great,” Kate paused a moment “you look happy.”

“Well, I am… most of the time. Leanne is great… I can’t get enough of seeing her, holding her, smelling her… all those Mom things that I…” Lulu stopped herself there, seeing that Kate was crying. Stepping away from the door, Lulu motioned her inside, “come on in, please and sit down. I’ll be right back.”<br>
Lulu put Leanne on her favourite blanket on the floor in the living room, and sat down on the couch beside Kate.

A few awkward moments of silence passed before Kate finally collected herself enough to admit, “Jake dumped me the other night.”<br>
“Dumped you?” Lulu repeated incredulously. Even though she didn’t speak much with Jake that evening, she had no idea he was headed in this direction.

“He said I shouldn’t waste my time with him if I wanted a family,” Kate explained, stopping to blow her nose.

“I’m so sorry…” Lulu said sincerely, “maybe it’s for the best…I mean, if you two want different things…” She didn’t know if she should tell Kate about Jake’s motives. Maybe, after all, his uncertainty about his sexual orientation wasn’t the reason for him to break off their relationship.

“What do you mean? Jake was, is, perfect for me. He is nice, polite, hard working, attentive, affectionate, and cute in his own way. We were good together. It came from nowhere…” Kate started crying again, “why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I know?”

“Well… Did he say anything else?” Lulu asked, affectionately patting her friend’s shoulder for comfort.

“He did refer to our different backgrounds, but that was just an excuse to get rid of me…I’m sure. I guess… I guess… I just don’t understand why this happened,” Kate answered, the tears still streaming down her cheeks.

Thinking back to the night she saw Jake, Lulu knew he hadn’t been acting like himself. She wondered if the break-up had anything to do with it, since Nick hadn’t been eager to talk when she got home. “When did that happen?” she asked.

“Two days ago. Jake left me in a hurry, looking a little disoriented… Why?” Kate seemed inconsolable.

After Kate left, Lulu knew she owed an apology to Nick. There was a real possibility that Jake had called Nick after his mess with Kate, she was sure of that. Nick had told her the truth and she didn’t believe him. I should have more faith in him, she told herself. But even so… she couldn’t understand why, if it had been Jake that Nick went out after, he couldn’t tell her that in the first place… before he left. As she had told Jake before, sometimes Nick was so unreadable.

Uncertain if he would take her call, Lulu decided to try another way. Communication had always been one of their obstacles.

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]

Nick, I am so sorry. I want to apologize for not trusting you. Kate just left, telling me about Jake. I hope you will forgive me. Please, know I am waiting for you tonight to make things right.

I love you.
Lulu.

*****


To : [e-mail]
From : [e-mail]

I love you too.

Nick



Nick smiled at this correspondence. Lulu had taken him by surprise, she wasn’t very used to email him anything. After he sent his answer, Nick decided flowers were a must and that he would have to tell Lulu he regretted not to have left a message to let her know where he was going, the other night.

*****

But everything is seldom as it is planned. When Nick arrived home that evening, flowers in hand, Lulu looked distressed. Beautiful, all dressed up but distressed.

“What is it?” he asked, kissing her tenderly, and discovering the candles on the table and the rich aromas coming from the kitchen. But the romantic evening wasn’t going to be, he feared, feeling how tense Lulu was.

“Leanne has a fever. We need to go to the hospital, but I didn’t want to go alone,” she paused a moment, “I called your office and Gretchen said you left, so I knew you’d be home soon and I…I just called her doctor and he said to bring her right in…”

Standing there in front of Nick, Lulu was completely at loss. Leanne was wailing, her face red and her little body really hot. They left immediately for the ER, Nick driving in silence and Lulu sitting in the back with the baby. As always in these circumstances, traffic looked heavier than usual and they were both getting anxious by the minute.

*****

[lambertoise]

“Meningitis,” the doctor said. “In a way, you’re lucky. There is a little epidemic in the state so the hospital was ready to cover the case. We have to check on her regularly, and she must stay in ICU for the night. The next hours are crucial. We gave her antibiotics, but we will have to monitor her temperature to make sure that it doesn’t get too high. But you two brought her in quickly, so that should help.”<br>
Nick and Lulu followed the doctor with the baby on her hospital bed to the ICU. Lulu was crying softly, holding her daughter’s tiny fingers.

The Precision of Pain and the Blurriness of Joy. Standing at a distance, Nick thought about this Jewish poem he learned at the time of his mother’s death. In this hospital room, where his baby was fighting for her life, Nick could see the truth of it: he was unable to recapture these last months’ happiness to help him keep hope, faced with the terrible fear and pain he was feeling at the moment. The room seemed to be spinning around him, so he sat down. He was afraid of loosing his precious little Leanne, and her mother. The loss of their child would drive him and Lulu apart, of that he was certain. How can parents survive the death of a child? The thought was so horrible, he gasped – and prayed to God that he and Lulu would never have to find out. He got up from the chair and started pacing the room. The night would be insufferably long.

*****

After Leanne’s death, he and Lulu hadn’t been able to share the pain and they separated a few weeks after. Lulu had resigned from LSP and gone to California, starting a new life, or so she had hoped. He didn’t have it in him to call, much less visit. He had sold the house and rented a small condo across the river. Work and denial were the only two remedies he knew, sometimes helped by getting drunk at night. He was living in an emotional Antarctica, having no close relationship with anyone, not even his father. He had sex with a few women, none of them whom he could remember the name or the face of.

One night, he was brought back home by a cabdriver who asked him why he was killing himself slowly with booze instead of doing it right away and efficiently with a gun.

He told him to shut up before getting out of the car.

In the apartment, a woman was sitting on the couch. She looked like an older version of his mother. What was she doing there?

“Hello Nick! Why are you drunk! ”<br>
“Mum! What are you doing here? ”<br>
“Now that you are dead, we can be together, isn’t that what you wanted?”

Anne rose from the couch and came to kiss him…<br>
*****


Nick woke up in sweats, disoriented. It was 4 o’clock in the morning. The nightmare was still with him when he got up to look for Lulu, who was still beside Leanne’s crib – the same place she had been hours before. He couldn’t see her, but guessed that she was probably exhausted. When he approached the door, he suddenly heard her voice.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull
And if that cart and bull fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Lulu was singing softly his favorite lullaby. He could even hear the tears in her warm voice. She was choking on some words, but continuing bravely, gently caressing her baby’s forehead, as if she was trying to chase the pain away with her love. Quietly, he went to her, and wrapped his arms around her. Nick held her tightly for a few moments and whispered softly in her ear: “Lulu, whatever happens, please, we must stay together. I need Leanne but I need you too. Without you, I’d be dead…”

“If something happens to Leanne, I won’t be able to forgive myself. And you will resent me too,” Lulu answered sadly, crying and afraid to express these feelings she had had the whole night.

“Why?” Nick asked, puzzled and worried.

“I know it’s stupid, but I can’t stop thinking that I am responsible. You know, the day she was born, I had a cruel flash when it came to me that by giving her life, I was in the same time giving her the promise of death,” she explained, her whole body shaking against his as Nick pulled her closer, “… and… and if she’s not here…you’d resent me, you’d hate me…I don’t think I could live with that…I know I couldn’t…and you wouldn’t want…”

“Lulu, you gave me a daughter, you made me a father, and I'll always be grateful for that, whatever happens” Nick replied. But it’s not only Leanne. ..You… You’re the only one I wanted a child with because … Because I love you. And I need you. And you need me, don’t you? ” he added when he finally found his voice.

Lulu nodded. As she turned in his embrace, he kissed her passionately, and looked in her dark eyes, with his own eyes telling all his love for her. Instinctively, his fingers were slowly combing through her hair, pushing back behind her ear the forever rebellious lock of hair. He held her tightly in his arms, unsure of what else he could say to try and ease her mind.

“Nick, I am so scared,” Lulu told him, sobbing on his shoulder; wanting, needing the love she knew he had for her. She was happy he was the father of her child, because she was sure he was the man she was going to love for the rest of her life.

They spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms, needing the closeness after the last days and the last hours. They watched over their daughter together, reflecting on what they’ve just said, but mostly gaining courage from each other’s words.

*****

At 10 o’clock, the doctor finally came in to speak with them. He found them beside their daughter’s crib, their faces showing all the signs of a sleepless night.

“I think we are now out of the woods. The worst seems over. We still have a lot of surveillance to do, but I’m pretty sure your daughter will make it…”

Nick who had never been a religious person exclaimed “Thank God” and meant it. Tears of relief came from Lulu who asked the doctor if she could take her baby in her arms. At this moment, Leanne woke up. In her mom’s arms, she looked around her, seeming a little lost in the strange décor, but then saw her father smiling at her. Her face broke in a marvellous happy smile, big enough to almost erase the nightmare. Nick looked at Lulu and said: “She has your luminous smile…No wonder I love her so much.”

Lulu smiled at Nick and thought that, yes, they would finally be able to find their way together.

******

[Lindatheeditor]

Vey well done, Lambertoise, like all of your fics. That's a neat plot twist! Thanks!

[rmb]

Lambertoise,

Thank you again for another wonderful fanfic story. I hope that you still continue to post your stories -- even though TG has been cancelled.