Post by juliana106 on May 27, 2003 14:34:09 GMT -5
**
No words had been spoken for over a half hour, they just sat there -- side by side, occasionally glancing at one another, but saying nothing.
Nick didn't know how to fill the silence, afraid he would say the wrong thing and somehow screw up. He wasn't used to the way LuLu made him feel, that he was needed and wanted. Nick felt a responsiblity toward her, one that he wanted to fulfill, but he also felt overwhelmed... incapable of giving her what she needed.
LuLu knew all too well what his silence meant... he was clearly unhappy, this wasn't where he wanted to be, this wasn't what he wanted. Unless he told her definitely, she had no choice than to believe what she saw with her very own eyes -- he was pulling away, shutting down, closing her off.
Glancing up at the clock hanging above the fireplace, Nick mumbled softly, "I should probably be going, are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine..." LuLu lied, feeling anything but fine... yet in no position to ask him to stay there with her, or implore that he tell her what he was thinking, what he wanted. She had given him yet another chance, and nothing had changed. Who are you trying to fool? she asked herself.
Although unconvinced by her reply, Nick was ready to bring their conversation to a close, "you meet with the Board tomorrow?"
"To get my walking papers," she answered sarcastically, knowing all to well that James and Alvin were already anticipating her departure.
"There are other non for profit aid services, here... in Pittsburgh," Nick paused a moment, almost positive he was telling her something that she already knew. The sad look in her eyes confirmed his assumption, he could already see that it wasn't about the job. But, it was worth it for him to try, "you could apply there?"
LuLu shook her head, "I really don't have reason to stay, LSP doesn't need me, Caroline would be reinstated for Rose's care..."
Nick opened his mouth to say something... but nothing came, leaving an awkward pause between them. He kept glancing back to the floor, afraid at what looking in her eyes again might do to him. He hated feeling this way, having so much to say but being unable to do so. "LuLu," he sighed softly, sure that no other words would follow.
"Life out there seems interesting," she added, as if she were trying to convince herself that it was true. LuLu forced herself to smile, mocking a confidence in her decision that she only wished she had.
"Is that what you want?" Nick asked, not recalling her ever speaking a word against her life in Pittsburgh, or finding it to be uninteresting.
LuLu hesitated a moment, "maybe its what I need..."
"This California job," Nick began slowly, not quite sure what he could say. He knew what he wanted to tell her, which was of course not to leave, but he didn't think she'd want to hear it -- least of all from him.
Without hesitation, LuLu interrupted him, "they made me a really great offer..."
Nick nodded, "I'm sure they did..." He thought about the offer for a moment, and it just didn't make sense, that LuLu would go. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but it wasn't like her to be after the money. He was certain she wouldn't go for that, there had to be something else -- another reason. Maybe she wanted to get away, from me. Maybe this was her escape. No. No. he thought to himself, "I thought you said before that it wasn't about the money?"
"Its not," LuLu confirmed, although unwilling to say why she really felt she should leave. No amount of money would make this choice any easier. Maybe Nick had been right when he said don't make it everyone else's problem , maybe she had brought this all on herself.
Slowly turning his head to look back over his shoulder, Nick waited a moment before asking, "well... do you want to take it?"
"I'm thinking that I should," LuLu answered softly, the conflict clearly apparent in the weakness of her voice.
Should? Nick repeated silently to himself, knowing there was no sign that she wanted to go. Maybe she felt that she had to. Why can't I tell her not to go? Why can't I say that I need her here, that I want her with me? Nick sighed softly, with another question already plaguing his troubled mind, "...what about...?"
LuLu didn't wait for him to finish, she knew what he was asking. Once again, he was leaving the choice up to her, "...I guess I have a decision to make..."
"Well, you know..." Nick stopped himself, needing to reorganize his thoughts. He took a deep breath and continued, "if you're uncertain, then..."
"There's only one thing I'm certain about," LuLu stammered, tired of waiting and ready to lay it all out on the line, "and it scares me to death because there's not a damn thing I can do about it...because believe me... I've tried..."
Caught very much off guard, Nick looked up at her, unsure of how he should be reacting, "what?"
"I love you, Nick... even if it doesn't make any sense..." LuLu paused a moment, her eyes slowly filling up with tears as she looked back at him, "I know it feels right."
"Oh," he sighed softly, unsure of how to respond. Nick sat there a moment, stunned and silent. He hadn't been expecting that type of declaration at all, especially not now -- not at a moment like this when she was ready to walk away. Nick knew how he felt about her, but was incapable of putting into words. His sentiments were never easily articulated, especially when he felt they might be compromised. But no, that's not how it was... she took the first step, she said it first and he knew deep down that she meant it. No response seemed appropriate.
Bothered by the silence between them, LuLu wiped her eyes, her head now turned away from Nick. She spoke softly and clearly, "I've been so afraid to say it, to admit what I was feeling...not that I thought it would make a difference now, but... " she stopped a moment, catching her breath, "I just wanted you to know."
"Oh," Nick repeated, more than embarassed by his inability to say anything more. He reached out his arm and took her hand into his own, stroking it gently, wishing desperately that he could convey his emotions through his touch. The next few moments provoked yet another awkward silence between them.
"Nick?" LuLu knew better than to expect more of a response, Nick just wasn't that way... especially not with her. For that, she blamed herself. On more than one occasion, she had accused him of not feeling things when clearly he did -- he just reacted differently, much more privately than herself. LuLu was now sure that Nick had been right, that she need not make her life everyone else's problem... he certainly didn't deserve the added burden.
Not wanting to inflict any more damage that what he already had done, Nick knew it wouldn't be wise for him to stay any longer -- they'd both end up getting hurt. There was no sense in putting off the inevitable. He needed time alone to sort through his thoughts and feelings, to find a way to convey this to her...what she needed to hear and what he desperately wanted to say. Tightening his grip on her hand with a soft squeeze, Nick then released, "I should go..."
"Okay," LuLu got up from the couch and started slowly walking toward the front door, already rethinking her decision to tell him. She wasn't disappointed in his reply, or lack there of, but more in herself for putting him on the spot -- throwing him into a position he obviously wasn't ready for.
Nick stood up and pulled on his jacket, following a few steps behind LuLu. It took everything in him not to reach out and pull her in, holding her close to him. As much as he wanted to, he felt it might only make things worse. Maybe he just needed time. As she stood there silently before him, Nick tenderly touched her cheek, "I'm sorry... I just..."
"Thanks for coming by, I guess..." LuLu reached up and gently kissed him on the lips, not wanting him to leave but convinced she had given him no reason to stay.
Smiling sadly, Nick opened the door and walked out on the porch, wondering what the hell he was thinking. Staying silent wasn't easy, it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Nick wanted so badly to tell her to stay, that he was looking forward to the baby, that he loved her too... but he couldn't, and he wanted to know why. Why with the one woman with whom it mattered most, he couldn't say a word.
**
No words had been spoken for over a half hour, they just sat there -- side by side, occasionally glancing at one another, but saying nothing.
Nick didn't know how to fill the silence, afraid he would say the wrong thing and somehow screw up. He wasn't used to the way LuLu made him feel, that he was needed and wanted. Nick felt a responsiblity toward her, one that he wanted to fulfill, but he also felt overwhelmed... incapable of giving her what she needed.
LuLu knew all too well what his silence meant... he was clearly unhappy, this wasn't where he wanted to be, this wasn't what he wanted. Unless he told her definitely, she had no choice than to believe what she saw with her very own eyes -- he was pulling away, shutting down, closing her off.
Glancing up at the clock hanging above the fireplace, Nick mumbled softly, "I should probably be going, are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine..." LuLu lied, feeling anything but fine... yet in no position to ask him to stay there with her, or implore that he tell her what he was thinking, what he wanted. She had given him yet another chance, and nothing had changed. Who are you trying to fool? she asked herself.
Although unconvinced by her reply, Nick was ready to bring their conversation to a close, "you meet with the Board tomorrow?"
"To get my walking papers," she answered sarcastically, knowing all to well that James and Alvin were already anticipating her departure.
"There are other non for profit aid services, here... in Pittsburgh," Nick paused a moment, almost positive he was telling her something that she already knew. The sad look in her eyes confirmed his assumption, he could already see that it wasn't about the job. But, it was worth it for him to try, "you could apply there?"
LuLu shook her head, "I really don't have reason to stay, LSP doesn't need me, Caroline would be reinstated for Rose's care..."
Nick opened his mouth to say something... but nothing came, leaving an awkward pause between them. He kept glancing back to the floor, afraid at what looking in her eyes again might do to him. He hated feeling this way, having so much to say but being unable to do so. "LuLu," he sighed softly, sure that no other words would follow.
"Life out there seems interesting," she added, as if she were trying to convince herself that it was true. LuLu forced herself to smile, mocking a confidence in her decision that she only wished she had.
"Is that what you want?" Nick asked, not recalling her ever speaking a word against her life in Pittsburgh, or finding it to be uninteresting.
LuLu hesitated a moment, "maybe its what I need..."
"This California job," Nick began slowly, not quite sure what he could say. He knew what he wanted to tell her, which was of course not to leave, but he didn't think she'd want to hear it -- least of all from him.
Without hesitation, LuLu interrupted him, "they made me a really great offer..."
Nick nodded, "I'm sure they did..." He thought about the offer for a moment, and it just didn't make sense, that LuLu would go. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but it wasn't like her to be after the money. He was certain she wouldn't go for that, there had to be something else -- another reason. Maybe she wanted to get away, from me. Maybe this was her escape. No. No. he thought to himself, "I thought you said before that it wasn't about the money?"
"Its not," LuLu confirmed, although unwilling to say why she really felt she should leave. No amount of money would make this choice any easier. Maybe Nick had been right when he said don't make it everyone else's problem , maybe she had brought this all on herself.
Slowly turning his head to look back over his shoulder, Nick waited a moment before asking, "well... do you want to take it?"
"I'm thinking that I should," LuLu answered softly, the conflict clearly apparent in the weakness of her voice.
Should? Nick repeated silently to himself, knowing there was no sign that she wanted to go. Maybe she felt that she had to. Why can't I tell her not to go? Why can't I say that I need her here, that I want her with me? Nick sighed softly, with another question already plaguing his troubled mind, "...what about...?"
LuLu didn't wait for him to finish, she knew what he was asking. Once again, he was leaving the choice up to her, "...I guess I have a decision to make..."
"Well, you know..." Nick stopped himself, needing to reorganize his thoughts. He took a deep breath and continued, "if you're uncertain, then..."
"There's only one thing I'm certain about," LuLu stammered, tired of waiting and ready to lay it all out on the line, "and it scares me to death because there's not a damn thing I can do about it...because believe me... I've tried..."
Caught very much off guard, Nick looked up at her, unsure of how he should be reacting, "what?"
"I love you, Nick... even if it doesn't make any sense..." LuLu paused a moment, her eyes slowly filling up with tears as she looked back at him, "I know it feels right."
"Oh," he sighed softly, unsure of how to respond. Nick sat there a moment, stunned and silent. He hadn't been expecting that type of declaration at all, especially not now -- not at a moment like this when she was ready to walk away. Nick knew how he felt about her, but was incapable of putting into words. His sentiments were never easily articulated, especially when he felt they might be compromised. But no, that's not how it was... she took the first step, she said it first and he knew deep down that she meant it. No response seemed appropriate.
Bothered by the silence between them, LuLu wiped her eyes, her head now turned away from Nick. She spoke softly and clearly, "I've been so afraid to say it, to admit what I was feeling...not that I thought it would make a difference now, but... " she stopped a moment, catching her breath, "I just wanted you to know."
"Oh," Nick repeated, more than embarassed by his inability to say anything more. He reached out his arm and took her hand into his own, stroking it gently, wishing desperately that he could convey his emotions through his touch. The next few moments provoked yet another awkward silence between them.
"Nick?" LuLu knew better than to expect more of a response, Nick just wasn't that way... especially not with her. For that, she blamed herself. On more than one occasion, she had accused him of not feeling things when clearly he did -- he just reacted differently, much more privately than herself. LuLu was now sure that Nick had been right, that she need not make her life everyone else's problem... he certainly didn't deserve the added burden.
Not wanting to inflict any more damage that what he already had done, Nick knew it wouldn't be wise for him to stay any longer -- they'd both end up getting hurt. There was no sense in putting off the inevitable. He needed time alone to sort through his thoughts and feelings, to find a way to convey this to her...what she needed to hear and what he desperately wanted to say. Tightening his grip on her hand with a soft squeeze, Nick then released, "I should go..."
"Okay," LuLu got up from the couch and started slowly walking toward the front door, already rethinking her decision to tell him. She wasn't disappointed in his reply, or lack there of, but more in herself for putting him on the spot -- throwing him into a position he obviously wasn't ready for.
Nick stood up and pulled on his jacket, following a few steps behind LuLu. It took everything in him not to reach out and pull her in, holding her close to him. As much as he wanted to, he felt it might only make things worse. Maybe he just needed time. As she stood there silently before him, Nick tenderly touched her cheek, "I'm sorry... I just..."
"Thanks for coming by, I guess..." LuLu reached up and gently kissed him on the lips, not wanting him to leave but convinced she had given him no reason to stay.
Smiling sadly, Nick opened the door and walked out on the porch, wondering what the hell he was thinking. Staying silent wasn't easy, it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Nick wanted so badly to tell her to stay, that he was looking forward to the baby, that he loved her too... but he couldn't, and he wanted to know why. Why with the one woman with whom it mattered most, he couldn't say a word.
**
